If you think that girls have it hard, think again. There is a lot of stereotyping that boys have to deal with as well. With our men’s issue coinciding with Mother’s Day it’s a good time to refute such stereotypes.
During her ten minute address at the United Nation “He For She” Campaign in September 2014, Emma Watson highlighted the issue often ignored in gender equality debates. She
emphasised on the fact that this was not just a fight for women’s rights but also a fight for men’s rights. She said, “I have realised that fighting for women’s rights has too often become
synonymous with man-hating. If there is one thing I know for certain, it is that this has to stop.” She also stated, “It is time that we all see gender as a spectrum instead of two sets of opposing ideals.” Watson compared and contrasted the different gender stereotypes challenging the accepted notion where men feel the pressure to be aggressive and women feel the obligation to be submissive. Her speech made ripples across social media and opened up the platform for many issues that men are faced with.
This prompted the Vogue Empower campaign, “Start with the boys.” Vogue India launched the social awareness initiative to celebrate its 7th anniversary which made many of us reflect on what we teach our boys, how we stereotype them and the consequences of such actions. The core message being that we teach boys not to cry and be sensitive as those are deemed to be girly traits. Growing up, boys express their views through aggression and don’t consider women as their equals, hence resorting to violence.
The term ‘mama’s boy’ is considered derogatory. However, does a close relationship with your mother make you less of a man? Does being a mama’s boy actually make you a better man? These are questions I often ask myself as my son cuddles up next to me and continuously says how much he loves me. Though he is only twelve, he is definitely more affectionate towards me than my daughter was at the same age.
For generations, mothers have gotten the same old message when it comes to raising sons; beware of keeping him “too close.” A mum who nurtures a deep emotional bond will prevent him from growing up to be a strong, independent man. From Oedipal myth to movies like Psycho, our culture warns us about the dangers of mother-son closeness. No other parent-child combination is so stigmatized. We encourage mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, as well as fathers and sons, to stay close throughout their lives. A supportive father is considered essential to a daughter’s self-esteem. But a mother who is involved in her son’s life is often accused of coddling, meddling, smothering or acting inappropriately. While we don’t worry about an involved father ‘masculinising’ his daughter, there clearly is concern about the feminising influence of the mother. Are mothers supposed to push their boys away, physically and emotionally, in the name of developing their manhood? This double standard is misguided and can be deeply damaging to boys. Studies show that boys who do not form strong attachments to their mothers grow up to be more aggressive and destructive developing a fear of intimacy and betrayal well into their adult years.
However, despite what mothers feel, boys who are close to their mums aren’t comfortable in admitting it out in the open. While writing this piece, my son requested not to be mentioned which prompted me to ask other boys about their relationships with their mothers. Across the board, nobody wanted to be named but they all agreed that they are very close to their mums. Many of the men I spoke to are financially and emotionally independent and though the mothers don’t call their shots, they share a strong bond with them. Some also stated that they value their mothers’ opinions and especially admire her combination of grit and compassion.
Why is that many grown up men are reluctant to admit that they have a close relationship with their mothers? This is usually the result of mainstream images created by the media and popular culture. The domineering, controlling mum and weak-willed, dependent son who never stands up on his own two feet is the stereotypical image of a “mama’s boy.” What mainstream media needs to portray is a healthy adult relationship in which mothers and sons are close but have mutual respect and boundaries. As women grow more empowered, their role as mothers is nothing like in the daytime television dramas. Guys who are close to their mums reap a number of benefits and their masculinity remains intact.
On the flipside, a man who talks a little too much about his mother will raise a mama’s boy flag in any woman’s mind. It’s not too difficult to understand why women don’t like ‘mama’s boys’. Women generally are attracted to strong men who aren’t intimidated or easily influenced by other people. When a mother-in-law is in the picture, it can make a woman feel like she isn’t doing a good job at keeping her man happy since he still has another woman doting on him. However, a good and balanced relationship between mothers and sons will have a positive effect towards gender equality and break the daunting stereotypes that plague boys in current societies.
Back in time
Gender equality was first highlighted by Christine de Pizan’s book The City of Ladies in 1405. The book was based on the oppression of women, founded on irrational prejudices while pointing out the contributions made by women. With the end of the World War II, more general movements towards gender equality based around liberalisation and feminism grew in strength. In 1975 the United Nation held its first world conference in Mexico City to address gender equality. The organisation seeks to create equality in law and social situations, take the necessary steps to curb unequal treatment and discriminations based on gender.
Illustration by Jason Sabbir Dhali