Being a parent is both rewarding and challenging. It has pushed me to strive to be a better version of myself and avoid repeating the mistakes of past generations. As a mother, I often feel overwhelmed and guilty for not doing enough for my children. Providing them with clothing, food, and shelter is just the beginning. The world we live in today is vastly different from the one we grew up in, and constantly changing, with environmental issues like climate change, global warming, and air pollution becoming increasingly severe.
The impact of these issues is evident in the health of our children. Both my own children and those of my friends suffer from respiratory illnesses, allergies, and colds throughout the year. It is horrifying to witness the air quality index reaching hazardous levels of over 400 during winter. I am filled with anxiety when my four-year-old son experiences uncontrollable coughing fits for hours on end.
Another reality of our lives is that divorces are becoming more and more common, resulting in an increase in blended families. Many of us also find ourselves in the role of stepmothers, having to take responsibility for and show unconditional love to children who are not biologically our own. This can be a challenging task, especially if our relationships with the biological parents are not amicable. As I see my own stepdaughter enter her adolescent years, I hope I am fulfilling my role as a step-parent while also maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Like other millennial mothers, I have learned to equip myself with information. However, this also adds to the pressure I feel. I constantly wonder if I am providing enough intellectual and sensory stimulation for the kids, as well as enough healthy food and, of course, enough love and affection. I also worry about the impact of the tone of my voice on them and whether they are picking up on my own emotional struggles and imitating my behaviours.
Social media, blogs, podcasts, child therapists, and opinionated individuals around us have varying viewpoints on how to raise a child. While I acknowledge their usefulness, they can become overwhelming and highlight our perceived shortcomings.
Additionally, there is a significant burden on us millennials to break the cycle of generational trauma. You may wonder why this responsibility falls on our shoulders. As an astrologer, I can explain that we were born when Pluto was in Scorpio. This slow-moving dwarf planet takes about fifteen to twenty years to transition into a new sign and represents the karmic lesson for a generation. We are tasked with uncovering long-hidden secrets, discussing taboo subjects, and confronting trauma in order to break these cycles.
Social media, blogs, podcasts, child therapists, and opinionated individuals around us have varying viewpoints on how to raise a child. While I acknowledge their usefulness, they can become overwhelming and highlight our perceived shortcomings.
We millennials possess a high level of self-awareness, which sets us apart from previous generations. We are open to self-reflection and have abundant resources such as therapy and healing tools at our disposal.
In contrast, our foremothers were conditioned to bear their suffering in silence. They conformed to societal norms and prioritised the well-being of their sons over their daughters. They were reluctant to disrupt the established order, but also did not know any better. Their selflessness led to complete depletion, leaving nothing for themselves in the process.
Our ancestors, both women and men, endured significant trauma as a result of colonialism, migration, war, and famine. They faced immense challenges in order to survive. They internalised the belief that strength meant remaining silent and suppressing emotions. Women, including mothers and daughters, were taught to conform to patriarchal norms and often faced social exclusion and punishment for deviating from these norms or questioning them. Men, including fathers and sons, were taught that they were entitled to their desires, that violence was acceptable, and that displaying emotions or vulnerability was unacceptable.
Considering that we carry the genetic legacy of thirty-six thousand ancestors, it becomes evident that we have inherited a substantial amount of trauma and behavioural patterns. If we wish to heal and create positive change, we must address and reframe these patterns.
Understanding Childhood and Generational Trauma
As children, many of us witnessed intense situations such as domestic violence, substance abuse, and family members dealing with mood disorders and mental illnesses. Even something that does not seem as traumatic as having a negligent parent can have significant impacts on our coping mechanisms and attachment styles.
Long before becoming a mother, I promised myself I would not constantly yell at everyone all the time like my own mother did. My goal was to be gentle, kind, and patient, never resorting to physical or psychological harm towards my child. When my son was born, I made a vow to be the best mother possible, always showing love, affection, understanding, and compassion.
Parenting brings out our deepest emotions. Our children’s reactions, or our inability to ‘control’ them, can stir up feelings from our own upbringing.
Yet, somewhere in the midst of exhaustion and overwhelm as a new mother, I was overcome by trauma. The scared inner child within me, and the anger that I had learned and acquired began to show itself. The loud voice grew louder and louder. The triggers became too much to handle.
Parenting brings out our deepest emotions. Our children’s reactions, or our inability to ‘control’ them, can stir up feelings from our own upbringing. Despite our intentions to react better or stay calmer, healing and change are necessary to truly transform our responses.
Perpetuating the Trauma
Mothers continue the cycle of trauma by reliving the same narratives as their own mothers. They perpetuate this trauma by neglecting their own well-being and failing to take the necessary steps to heal. They also perpetuate it through exaggerated reactions without addressing the underlying issues. Acts of violence, both physical and emotional abuse, have a lasting impact on children. Engaging in addictive behaviours, lacking emotional care, and being neglectful also cause trauma. Being a millennial mother is incredibly challenging, as explained earlier, and it is vital that we show ourselves compassion. We will never be flawless, and we should not strive to be.
Confronting the Trauma
There are certain things we can do differently from previous generations to ensure that our children do not need to recover from our actions.
Take Care of Ourselves
The most important thing for a millennial mother to do in this day and age in order to break the cycles of trauma is to take care of herself. Instead of living on autopilot and rushing through our responsibilities, we can take some time to ground ourselves and take a few breaths. We can practice self-care and self-forgiveness.
Ask for Help
The common belief is the myth of the Superwoman doing it all, effortlessly balancing the house and the kids, while looking fabulous and also maintaining a great sex life and social life. This is simply impossible. Our partners also need to share these responsibilities. If we have the financial means, we can hire nannies or send our kids to daycare. In other cases, we can ask their grandparents to help out – after all, it takes a village.
Recognise Our Triggers
When we notice that we are triggered, we can pause and reflect on why we are feeling that way. What is it about our own wounded inner child that has been activated? If we acknowledge that we are triggered, we can offer ourselves some compassion and give ourselves space.
Be Willing to Learn
Therapy is often costly and not accessible to everyone. However, this does not mean that we cannot take steps towards self-healing. There are various books, podcasts, and social media pages dedicated to various mental health topics. Instead of letting finances become a barrier, be open to learning how to regulate yourself.
Meditate Regularly
I cannot stress enough how much of a difference this has made for me personally. Regular meditation teaches us to be more mindful of ourselves, our words, and our reactions. It helps us cope with anxiety and stress and brings us back to our true selves. As millennial mothers, meditation is truly a gift.
Give Ourselves Grace
Parenting is hard. Mothering is even harder, and being millennial parents with all the pressure and unhealed trauma is really, really hard. We have to give ourselves grace, remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can, and keep trying. Our children deserve that from us.
I applaud every mother who is trying her best to break the cycles of generational trauma. All of us are trying our best to raise intelligent, resilient, and empathetic children. Healing trauma does not happen overnight. It is a lifelong process. There will be ups and downs, and the journey is not linear. Just as trauma ripples down through generations, so does healing. The inner work we do to heal will impact generations to come.
Illustration: Jason Dhali