Thinking about suicide is not foreign to me.
I’ve never shared these thoughts with anyone before (other than my therapist of course), but as September 10 was World Suicide Prevention Day, on the off chance that it helps a soul or two, I figured that I should.
Yes, I’ve been on the edge of reason, desperately wanting out from a pain riddled life. If you think about it, it shouldn’t be surprising that I felt hopeless enough to want to end my life; after all I do have something called the suicide disease. Here’s where you’ll need some background – I have a chronic pain condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia, an illness that was commonly known as ‘the suicide disease’ back in the day because of how much pain and debilitation it causes. I’m not making it up – a quick Google search will assure you of that. The TN community doesn’t encourage the term much though, probably because of people like me who, when things get really bad, hide behind the words hoping that people won’t blame them when they kill themselves – it’s in the name after all. Surely that would explain how miserable and hopeless we feel in dealing with it, day in and day out?
But the truth is, I had contemplated with suicide long before I was diagnosed with TN, before it actually began wreaking havoc in my life. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a kid. Of course, I didn’t understand it then and was typically put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds when my issues began to manifest during my teens. I was in university when I finally got a label that fit well – I was told that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. After some trial and error, I was lucky enough to get a really good therapist. She taught me a lot of coping mechanisms and grounding techniques to help me deal with my issues, and most importantly, she taught me how to understand the illness and the way it affects me particularly. Eventually, I was able to
temper my self-abusive habits and extravagant binges, and somewhere along the way, I learnt how to lead a regular life without letting BPD get the better of me. It sure is an everyday battle – some days it’s easy and on others, I just have to try a little harder to ignore that ugly voice in my head.
However, as life progressed, dealing with constant, mind numbing pain and toxic relationships, on top of my underlying mental health issues, kept tipping the scales against me at intervals, leading me back to suicidal thoughts every now and then. A few years ago, things got quite bad – the worst it had ever gotten. It was then that I finally made the decision to undergo an invasive brain surgery. Everyone around me thought that I was being very brave, but since here I am spilling my guts about these intimate truths in the hopes of making a small difference, I’ll also tell you this – I wasn’t being brave, I was being a coward. I just wanted out. I genuinely wasn’t scared of someone drilling my head open or dying on the operating table because I really, really wanted my life to end. I even wrote a will on the back of my diary, specifying where my prized possessions should go.
People only seriously contemplate suicide when they feel incredibly hopeless about their life and feel trapped within it. Suicide ideation is common among those suffering from mental and physical health issues. I have been in pain for most of my life now. Other than TN, I also have another very painful condition called Endometriosis. As June Osborne says in The Handmaid’s Tale, pain tends to make a person’s world very small. Isolation and depression are inevitable when your body can’t keep up; when you’re left writhing in agony, lying in a graveyard of broken dreams while helplessly watching the world speed by.
PEOPLE ONLY SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE WHEN THEY FEEL INCREDIBLY HOPELESS ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND FEEL TRAPPED WITHIN IT. SUICIDE IDEATION IS COMMON AMONG THOSE SUFFERING FROM MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH ISSUES.
I’ve been on the other end of suicide too. Suicide survivors are usually left with a lot of anger and a distasteful twinge of guilt. Could I have done something to prevent it? Should I have been more attentive? The first suicide I encountered in my life was of a distant relative’s. Pegged down as a typical case – couldn’t handle a broken heart, so she jumped off of the roof. She wasn’t much older than me and though we weren’t really that close in relation, we did spend a lot of time together while growing up. Witnessing the aftermath of a suicide is a surreal experience. The most heartbreaking memory I have of that night is of her father. The broken shell of a man was standing at the gate with an odd smile, responding to offers of condolences with, “Why are you all here? I never asked anyone to come.”
Another suicide that had a profound effect on me was of a once dear friend who had become a faded memory long before he jumped in front of a moving train. The reason we grew apart in the first place was because he had developed feelings for me that I didn’t reciprocate, and eventually the gap became bigger as we found other friends and moved on. Separated by continents and only connected through Facebook, it was years before I heard from him again. He sent a message saying he needed money for a health emergency. It sounded like a scam, and besides I didn’t have extra money lying around that I could wire to England. I asked around and found out that he had also knocked a few other friends, and after digging a little deeper I found out that he apparently was in a lot of debt. So, I wrote it off as a problem I couldn’t help and forgot all about it. About a year or so later he committed suicide.
People tend to hide their misery and put on a happy face for the benefit of those around them. Read between the lines when someone says “I just want the pain to stop” or “I don’t know how much longer I can carry on.” It’s a common misconception that people talk about suicide to get attention; most often that’s not the case. For people who are struggling with these issues, there is nothing worse than toxic positivity. Try to be compassionate and encourage them to speak about the issues that are bothering them instead of brushing it off saying, “Don’t be so dramatic, other people have it much worse.”
Although my demons are lurking in the shadows now, they still do come out every now and then. In my experience, I have found that it is very important for people like us to have a solid support system and to seek professional help.
I don’t really know why those two people went through with their suicides and I didn’t; I don’t know what the particular difference between us was. What I do know is that it was possible for me to ride out the tide of devastation and still come out in vone piece.