Would you rather go through five breakups, or get married?
Yes, that’s how much we dread marriage. But the only reason you’re scared of marriage is because you should be, and that doesn’t make marriage a “scam.” Our mind is simply trained to look for danger before it starts to look for possibilities. And that makes it a solvable problem. This article hopes to take off some of that load, and highlights critical questions for couples to address before saying ‘Qubool’, drawing insights from psychology, negotiations, and conflict.
Key Conversations for a Strong Foundation
1. What does marriage mean to you?
The simplicity of this question belies its value, and forces one to introspect before answering. Listen for their reasons for marriage, their priorities, principles, and vision of their future and how they fit you in it. It helps to view marriage as a “Third Entity” at this point, as it completely reframes the mind-set from ‘you vs me’ to that of collaboration.
2. How will we handle disagreements?
A good marriage is not one without conflict, but one where you can have healthy conflict that doesn’t devolve into abuse. The four stages of collapse are Conflict Avoidance, Unvoiced Expectations, Resentment Cascade, and finally Contempt, which is practically a precursor to divorce. You can halt its progress with three “green flag” behaviours of Accountability, Empathy and Consistency, and see a professional if that doesn’t work.
Healthy ground rules to follow include addressing issues promptly, keeping your focus on the problem at hand, and learning to acknowledge the other side’s perspective even when you don’t agree with it. A useful frame that I teach couples is to take turns with “Behaviour, Feeling, Alternative Behaviour”, which should sound like “When you call so many times it really annoys me, can you please just send a text if I don’t pick up in 2 rings?”
3. How will we manage finances?
Financial disputes are major contributors to marital conflict globally. Be transparent about assets, debts, and banking preferences. Discuss career goals and ambitions, relocation possibilities, and divisions of household chores and babysitting duties.
4. Where do our families fit?
Family discussions are another major source of discontent, and the last thing you want is to blindside your partner. Discuss living arrangements and plans for major holidays like Eid. Discuss your plans for children early and in detail, including division of responsibilities between family members, day-care, and schooling.
5. What should we know about your past?
The only thing to know is that your past won’t come back. Period.
The partner that gets bothered about your past is insecure, and the one who still holds on to their past is not ready for marriage.
7. How will faith shape our life?
This is a can of worms, as we all know. When bringing up faith with your partner, ask about their belief, their practice, and the practice they want to portray to their families. A genuine believer of any religion shouldn’t be weaponising it, and if anything will learn some good values.
The Power of Personality Traits
One may or may not be fond of MBTI tests, but it helps to learn where you stand in the ‘Big Five’ trains, since Conscientiousness, Neuroticism, and Openness consistently predict long term partnership success. A highly conscientious partner is diligent, maintains a caring routine, and remembers the things that matter to you.
On the other end, you want a partner who’s low in neuroticism, so they recover faster from negative emotions. Moderate Openness keeps a partner adventurous, without them chasing novelty and excitement.
The amazing part is that only one partner needs these traits for the marriage to work, as long as both are committed to growth.
The Weekly Check-In: Sustaining Connection
A married couple must check in on each other, spending at least 90 minutes per week talking only about how things are going. That’s roughly 15 minutes per day, which isn’t much, and it’s still something too many of us don’t plan about.
Discuss how connected you feel on a scale of 1-10, and if there’s one thing you can change to make things better. Make a point of acknowledging one good thing your partner has done in the preceding week.
Recognising Red Flags
As human beings, we look for respect, predictability, and understanding, and “red flags” are behaviours that damage any of these three. Some of the worst ones are avoidance, dishonesty (no matter how little), disrespect, promises to ‘change after marriage’, controlling behaviour, and contempt.
The last word
The person you are when no one’s watching is the one who enters marriage – a raw, unfiltered, complex web of family, culture, and expectations. But what you really fear is that you’ll be the only one trying. We are all flawed, broken human beings, and choosing between potential partners is less about being better or worse, but trading one set of flaws for another. And even the ‘red flags’ among us don’t start out wanting to be the villains of our partners’ story.
Let these conversations guide you to imperfections you can accept, and values that align with yours, and to a commitment you can both make towards growth. Marriage is a sacrifice of what your life would be without it, so may yours be worth it in the end.
Dr. M. Zakiul Abrar is a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist, and subject matter expert in Conflict & Crisis Intervention