With the wedding season kicking in, everyone seems to be preoccupied with getting their wardrobes sorted out and gearing up for the celebrations. However, I was taken by surprise when I recently found out that a childhood friend of mine was seeking separation after being together for over fifteen years. This prompted me to look at the changes that are taking place within our matrimonial society.
Out of love
Most couple’s marriages are not exactly as it appears on the outside and can get complicated at times. Clear boundaries are set and rules are noted down. However, in recent years, marriages are failing not only because of infidelity, domestic violence or illicit addictions but also due to compatibility factors. “A deal made in your twenties may not serve you so well in your forties,” says Amira who got divorced after fifteen years. She also points out that as careers, children and family comes into the picture the couple’s perspectives change over time. The spouse exposed to the corporate world may not be mutually compatible with his ‘stay-home-wife’. Her exposures, on the other hand, are likely limited to her kids, mothers she meets at school events or the domestics. He may advance both intellectually and socially and not be at par with her or vice versa. “It’s brutally unfair but this is the reality,” she adds. Socialising peer groups, education, religious ideologies and careers are primary reasons why couples evolve into separate entities within a marriage. “We simply grew apart. We want different things in life. I couldn’t live with him anymore,” are common phrases many divorcees say.
“You also cannot expect your spouse to be your everything,” says Nitu, a friend of a divorcee. Be it, love or arranged, marriages are a practical arrangement. ‘He’ll be a good provider’ and ‘she has good childbearing genes and family values’ are other such factors taken into consideration when making the decision to tie the knot. “We have overly romanticised the notion of marriage,” adds Nitu. No one can guess the pace of the journey as couples embark on their nuptials. At the beginning, everything is new and exciting, responsibilities are few and sex is still a discovery. However this euphoria will not last forever let alone five to six years. For many couples, when the initial romantic fever subsides it signifies the end of love and eventually an end of their marriage.
For Sima who married at eighteen says “I was too young and we simply couldn’t make it work. We became different people from who we were when we first met.” She also adds that most Bangladeshi men feel insecure when the wife is seeking an education or career that will exceed his current qualifications. Another misconception is that having a child will hold a marriage together. Such advice from her peers was often told to Sima who eventually not only had to deal with a divorce but a bitter custody battle as well. “This is a dubious and an unwise myth; often having a child doesn’t fix the marriage and in most cases it will only make the situation worse,” she adds.
The Day After
Women seeking better education and careers are also constantly redefining their self worth. They are no longer only someone’s wife or someone’s mother. They see themselves, and rightfully so, as equal partners with equal empowerment in careers and at home. However, many of the women I spoke with feel the men aren’t keeping up to this mind-set and look for a trophy wife or moderately ambitious partners with boundaries set by partners. Such attitudes may have to change if we are to see more progressive family bonds.
Another key factor for women is the stigma attached in being a divorcee. For divorced women, with or without children, to remarry is probably one of the hardest social problems they face today. Even if the men are agreeable the family pressure will prevent him from proceeding further with the relationship. For the likes of Sima, a wrong decision made at eighteen years has scarred her entire adult life. It’s hard to change society and social dilemmas overnight, yet as we move towards reformist ideologies for both men and women it is best to leave unfound stigmas along the wayside.
Marriage is a vital part of our social fabric and it’s important that the men in our society embrace the change that is streaming in or else more young children will grow up with a single parent. Creating a whole new generation that may not know what a marriage is all about.
All names have been change due to confidentially agreement with those the author has spoken to.