Be My Valentine

Naveed Islam envisions going on dates with the best characters popular fiction has to offer.

 
Have you ever wondered what it must be like to go out on a date with one of your favorite fictional characters? Would you like to speed down busy London streets in the passenger’s seat of James Bond’s Aston Martin or have a candlelight dinner sitting across from the gorgeous Natasha Romanoff? Hold hands in Hogsmeade with Harry Potter or cozy up in a District 12 bed and have breakfast with Katniss Everdeen? In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, this month’s Entertainment takes you on four special dates with four of entertainment’s most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

 

Daenerys Targaryen

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It took me an hour to find her chambers. I would have still been lost in those labyrinthine corridors had it not been for a handmaiden who led me to milady’s door. Daenerys was distraught. She was, of course, looking beautiful, in a sky-blue gown of fine silk from Pentos, but her mood was far from pleasant. No one would babysit her dragons. Her guards were too frightened (I don’t blame them), Ser Barristan was on patrol and Ser Jorah was away. Jorah. The way he hangs about the Khaleesi is most disconcerting. Nevertheless, I politely reminded her that we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Qarth, which I had secured months in advance. However, Daenerys wouldn’t budge and we were left waiting until Ser Barristan returned. Of course, when we got to the restaurant we found that our table had been given away. But then who should happen to walk by but Jorah, who solved our dilemma but getting us a place at another restaurant nearby. For this, Dany felt obliged to invite him to our romantic dinner. Jorah. I so loathe that man.

Lara Croft

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We’d planned it over Skype. I’d fly into Mozambique and we’d take in the sights. Lara was on an expedition to some ancient Aztec tomb or other, though it may have been Mayan, but who can really say. There’s this little bakery on Newignton Green that makes these éclairs I knew she liked. I had them make some especially for her and planned to surprise her with a picnic. February 14th just so happens to be her birthday as well. And éclairs were easier to pack than cakes. I got to our rendezvous point early and started setting up when someone struck me on my head with what felt like the back of a rifle. When I came to sense, I was tied to a stone pillar in an antechamber covered with ancient markings. However, my assailants were all on the ground and standing over them was Lara, pistols in her hands. She undid my knots and we left the tomb. My plans for our picnic, of course, went up in smoke. We were lucky to be alive, though admittedly, I was luckier than she. Lara didn’t need luck. Still, we made the most of it, eating fruit and sipping tea around a warm campfire. I wish I’d somehow saved those éclairs though.

 

Han Solo

han solo-01I could tell he was trying to be romantic when we passed our third nebula on the way to Tatooine. He knew I was mad at him for that business with the girl from Alderaan and promised to show me something on that dust bowl of a planet that would make me forgive him. We landed just as he finished telling me, for the umpteenth time, how the Millennium Falcon made the kessel run in twelve parsecs. When we arrived, he hired a speeder to take us to Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley. It was a dive, complete with a band that only played one song that I haven’t since been able to get out of my head (too-doo, too-doo, doo-doo-doo-too). We sat at a booth in the corner, talking for almost two hours. Then he took me out to a small hill just on the outskirts of town from where we could see the two moons. I’ll admit it: it was romantic. That pirate still knows his way into a woman’s heart. But, I wasn’t done being angry at him so when he tried to kiss me, I stopped him. “Don’t get cocky kid,” I remember saying.

 

Bruce Wayne

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I was positively giddy! Bruce Wayne, the billionaire! Bruce Wayne, the philanthropist! Bruce Wayne, voted “Most Eligible Bachelor” by the Gotham Gazette five years in a row! When I came down there was a limo waiting for me. He was inside. “You look lovely,” he said as that old butler of his ushered me in, which was fine but ‘stunning’ or ‘ravishing’ was what I was going for. I maxed out my credit cards on that dress after all. But oh well. Bruce Wayne! We were seated by the window overlooking the Gotham skyline. The waiter served us mussels to start, followed by some French goop whose name I couldn’t pronounce. “I don’t know about you,” he said, “but I wouldn’t mind a cheeseburger.” I’m in love! Then, annoyingly enough, that Freelander woman crashed our private party and started cooing all over ‘Brucey’ when we heard an explosion in the Narrows, near Axis Chemical. “It’s always something in this town,” she whined, just as Bruce excused himself. He couldn’t take anymore of that shrill voice, I suppose. That Bat light or whatever it’s called went up and I started to get a little worried; I didn’t want any of those freaks to ruin that charity ball I wanted Bruce to take me to later. But then the waiter came to inform me that Mr. Wayne had to leave for an emergency meeting and that the cheque was taken care of. Bruce Wayne. Sigh.