Aidha Cader looks into what needs to be done before you call in the celebrations
Sex Talk before Marriage
The shame that surrounds talking about sex in the Asian cultures is a stigma that resides in our society too. Sometimes couples may find this difficult and embarrassing to talk about, even if they find it necessary. Much of this comes from the expectation that the spouses should be virgins. However, the reality is that many young people have all sorts of sexual experiences which they find difficult to talk about. Even the definition is subjective and results in a lot of confusion. Many do not consider oral sex or other forms that do not involve the intercourse in a traditional sense, or intimacy with members of the same sex to be “sex” per se. Some may consider masturbation as a shameful act which means that he/she may not know what they might want from their partners.
Before getting married, it’s worth discussing with your partner there previous sexual experiences. There’s no shame in discussing it and you need not have to hide your “past” from your future spouse. Sex education is an important factor and learning it from the right sources can be crucial. Needless to say, pornography is not the answer to all your queries. It is highly staged and doesn’t reflect the real-life experiences. Everyone is different and likes different things – it’s a lot better to get what you want and give what your partner wants. Testing for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is also important.
There’s a dark side to talking about sex, too. Any kind of sex-related talk is seen as a lack of piety. Sure, the conversation is going to be uncomfortable at first. Many are not used to the proper words and are afraid the conversation may be obscene and vulgar. But at the risk of sounding cliché, communication is a very important tool. Start slow and practice your sexual communication skills in your marriage. The good news is that sex gets better the more you can talk to your partner about it, especially if you can let each other know what you’re enthusiastic about and can appreciate what your partner likes.
Ironing before Tying the Knot
There is no such thing as an ‘easy’ marriage, however you will find that discussing certain matters before the wedding will help build a strong relationship with your spouse.
Money
How will money be handled once you are married? Assets, paychecks, inherited sums. What happens if one of you loses a job unexpectedly? Being married means you are a team and need to be on the same financial page.
Children
Do you want them? When? How many? What values, ideals, and education do you want them to have? Will there be a stay home parent? “Yes, we both want children” is not enough.
Workload
This refers to all of the unpaid work at home. How will this be divided? This issue can sometimes be an unpleasant shock.
Family
What is your anticipation of the involvement of in-laws, siblings, and vacations with extended family? Will you see them every weekend, once a month, two to three times a year? This can be especially important if one or both of you is an only-child.
Elderly Parents
It is remarkably easy to overlook the future when you marry in your twenties. But, marriage is supposed to be forever and people in there 40s are now referred to as the “sandwich generation” – raising children while taking care of ageing parents. What will your roles and responsibilities include when taking care of your parents and in-laws?
Sexual Expectations
Sex while dating or being engaged can be very different from sex with your husband a decade down the road. Many couples seek therapy or counseling if one or both partners do not feel satisfied in the bedroom after years together. It’s important to stay connected physically. Having a recurring date night once a week can help keep the spark alive.
Life Priorities
What matters most to you both? Do you want to settle down or instead go traveling together? Go back to school? Do you want to work overseas? Save for a house? Talk about your aspirations and objectives, and get comfortable with a relative timeline.
Deal Breakers
Watching sports all weekend with his friends on the couch; coming home drunk at 1 a.m. on a work night; Flirting with other people; Unnecessary jealousy.
Repetitive behavior that upsets either of you does not bode well for a happy future together.
Support
In difficult times we all communicate differently. Understand what the other requires. It’s important to voice what you need to feel loved and supported alongside listening and tending to your spouse’s needs.
These conversations can raise many other talking points and you need to remember that no matter how much ground is covered, life is still dynamic and ever changing, and you need to be flexible.
DIY- Beauty Treats for the Bride
Milk and Honey Scrub
Take 1/3 cup of salt and 1 tablespoon each of honey, olive oil and milk. Mix these to make a paste. Gently massage the paste on your face in a circular motion. Rinse after five minutes. This helps to remove the dead skin from your face and will leave you with a radiating skin.
Cinnamon Ginger Body Scrub
Take half a cup each of vegetable oil and honey, and a quarter cup each of ground cinnamon, ground ginger, soda and a teaspoon of vanilla extract. Mix to make a thick paste. Apply it to your skin and massage gently. After a few minutes rinse it off with warm water
Turmeric face pack
Mix 2 tablespoons of gram flour, juice of one lemon, 2 tablespoons of milk and 2 teaspoons of turmeric powder to form a thick paste. Apply on your face and neck, and let it dry for twenty minutes. Wash your face with warm water and conceal with a splash of chilled water.