What is the ‘mother wound’, why is it necessary to heal from it, and steps to do so
Every relationship in our life is coloured by the one we have with our mother. The archetype of the mother is revered; she is ever-sacrificing, selfless, nurturing and kind. She is expected to behave and act like a superhuman. However, a mother’s identity is far more nuanced and complex. The expectations put on mothers by our patriarchal society have inflicted various kinds of wounds and traumas on mothers, who then use dysfunctional coping mechanisms as a way of processing this pain. These dynamics then keep carrying unconsciously and in a loop.
We see these through early marriages, rape, domestic abuse and the continual silencing of women that have perpetuated these wounds through generations. Thus each and every single one of us carries the mother wound in some way, and by actively working on healing these wounds, not only are we helping heal our future generations but also our ancestral lines. This can feel like a burden to carry and a huge responsibility.
Even though it is almost universal, the mother wound is often kept in the shadows and hidden. Why is this so? We have all sensed the pain our mothers have had to carry – the burden. Hence, we feel the guilt for her sacrifices and often we stay loyal to our mothers as well as their wounds, thus being complicit in our own oppression. The mother wound also does not discriminate and we also see its effects in both men and women who continue the cycle in their interpersonal relationships. And thus, it goes on and on.
Mothers always have huge expectations placed on them. Not only are these expectations societal, but they are also legal and political. For example, paternity leave is not a common practice in Bangladesh because corporations are not legally bound to offer paternity leave. On paper, Bangladesh has a comprehensive maternity policy, however, it is uncertain how well this is implemented in most organisations. This creates huge amounts of pressure on women. The source of the wound stems from our early childhood memories of our mothers conforming to these pressures. They lacked the physical, mental and emotional support they needed, especially because mental health issues were highly taboo back then and still continue to be so among the older generations.
How does this manifest in us in the present? It manifests as a need to abandon ourselves in order to be loved or to fit in. We fear that we may lose our mother’s love if we do not adhere to her expectations or make up for her sacrifices with our achievements in life or lack thereof. We can see this in various attachment issues, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, lack of emotional awareness, behavioural complexes, abusive relationships, and difficulties in emotional regulation. We can also see these in behavioural patterns such as needing to fix, save or caretake others, having weak boundaries, and feeling resentful and bitter towards our own children.
Why is the mother wound so important to heal, especially as a woman? This is very much at the crux of women’s empowerment and healing the mother wound is integral for us to create conscious relationships where we are not simply living out our family’s patterns.
By acknowledging the mother wound, we can create safe spaces for women to be able to express this deep pain and ask for support. Mothers and their children can hold space for each other to be their authentic selves, without fear of rejection. By healing the mother wound, we can bring it to light where it cannot be used to manipulate and divide women through shame, envy and guilt. We are given permission to grieve for the pain we felt and transmute this pain into love and nurturance, for ourselves and others.
What are some ways we can begin to undertake his Herculean task?
Uncondition Ourselves
We can begin to heal the mother wound by starting to uncondition ourselves from the narrative of the mother and society’s unspoken messages to her. That she needs to be the one to carry the burden. That motherhood is supposed to come naturally to all women. That the mother is a superhuman who has to have it all and do it all.
Witness a Mother’s Rage
There is no safe space for a woman or a mother to healthily express her anger at these expectations. Having sacrificed so much, there may be a deep sense of rage from this sacrifice manifesting as envious and competitive behaviours. Thus, children may adapt by self-sabotaging and keeping themselves small in order to not threaten their mothers by realising their potential or ambitions.
Offer a Safe Space for this Rage
Often this very rage can be turned on the children themselves and they can be the target of this rage. The children may provide a stark reminder of the mother’s own unlived potential and thus be a source of hidden resentment. If the daughter refuses these patriarchal messages, this may be even more triggering for the mother who did not have that privilege. A lot of these are unconscious patterns that can manifest subtle ways of instilling a sense of guilt, shame or obligation.
‘Remother’ Ourselves
In order to ‘remother’ ourselves, we may try to physically, emotionally or mentally support ourselves in the way we may have needed from our mother as a child. This may mean we have to honestly look at the places in which we are stuck and where we neglect ourselves and give ourselves what we need.
Allow Ourselves to Feel Grief
This pain needs to be validated. And it needs to be felt and acknowledged. We are holding the grief of our grandmothers and mothers who were never allowed to be who they wanted to be. They were given huge responsibilities at young ages while enduring famine and war with little support. We may too have inherited some of these traumas and coping mechanisms and it is our responsibility to liberate ourselves from this pain and not to pass it down.
Recognise the Role of Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is rampant in South Asian families and is experienced by many of us as children from our mothers who experienced it from their parents and husbands.
Accept the Humanity of Our Mothers
By always expecting mothers to be loving and nurturing, we are stripping them of their full identity. Many suffer mental health issues, substance issues and unresolved trauma themselves. They can have their moments when they are unloving, cold, neglectful and abusive. Mothers also hold internalised patriarchy within them, and this too needs to be recognised.
The well-being of a mother has a significant impact on a child in their formative years. Our mothers are often the basis of who we are. Ultimately, healing the mother wound is not about our mother or forgiving her, even though that is an important step in the journey. Healing the mother wound can help us alchemise our traumas and create a safe relationship with ourselves.