5 things to consider before getting married for the second time

Divorces can be so emotionally taxing that it is enough to make you swear off marriage for the rest of your life. The rate of people getting divorced and living separately from their spouses almost doubled over the last decade, according to a recent Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics (BBS) report. While this increase in number may lead to a lot of skepticism regarding the concept of matrimony you should not pledge yourself to a life of eternal singlehood yet. It is okay to jump back on the romantic bandwagon of marriage for a second time and here’s five things to consider before doing so.

1. Don’t look for someone to complete you

Now we do address our significant other as our better half and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but leaning on another person to fill in the void that you feel in your heart is not healthy. It is essential to choose a partner who would encourage you to be a better version of yourself and support you in the choices that you make for yourself. When you find someone who further contributes to your already complete self, the marriage will commence out of mutual understanding and not from a place of need.

2. Be compassionate towards their memories

A broken heart comes with a lot of emotional baggage. To make a relationship work, it is of utmost importance that you allow your potential partner to open up about their past. If you find yourself on the receiving end of suspicion because they have been previously cheated on, keep in mind that these scars take time to heal hence do not address them with blatant fury. Do not expect them to fade out instantly. Speak to them; make them feel that you can be trusted. Help each other when triggered so you do not repeat old traumas and the notion naturally results in more closeness and trust.

3. Don’t force yourself into their family

Now getting hitched a second time often becomes more difficult when couples co-parent after a split up and you might feel the necessity to befriend the kids of your partner from his/her previous marriage. Remember, that like any relationship this also needs time to flourish and you cannot forcefully make a place in their lives just because their parent decided to have you as a part of theirs. Find out about their interests, pick up their vibes and give them time to process the change and slowly allow a bond to form.

4. Create realistic expectations

The advantage of a second marriage is that you can dispassionately share issues with each other because there’s no requirement of perfection. You can avoid mistakes from your past relationship and indulge in a more constructive and structured one.  Whereas it’s fine to expect a ‘perfect union’ even the second time around, do not expect them to fulfill your needs of being your lover, best friend, therapist, gym partner etc. at all times. Take interest in each others’ hobbies so you can coexist in harmony.

5. Compromise but do not lower your standards

While compromise might feel like a loss of control especially in a second marriage when both parties have matured extensively from the previous time and patience might not seem like the strongest trait, it is essential to build a foundation of trust so that the notion of compromise doesn’t feel suffocating but rather a contributing factor in making the marriage work. However, while doing so, do not invest in a relationship that weighs you down in any way. The purpose of a compromise should only result in a fruitful relationship, not in one where one feels like the other is stunting his/her growth.

We are witnessing erosion of familial commitment more than ever in this generation and more people are being increasingly cynical about the concept of matrimony for the first time let alone the second. Just remember that even though financial solvency, social acceptance and parenthood are all essential factors behind tying the knot, it’s necessary not to indulge in a marriage for the wrong reasons. Fear is a completely understandable emotion when it comes to giving marriage a second chance but don’t let it be a deciding factor for you to refrain yourself from giving yourself a shot at ‘a happily ever after.’

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Sohani Shahid

Sohani Shahid works at Don Sumdany Facilitation and Consultancy. After hours, she transforms into a dance diva who can eat like there’s no tomorrow and still look fabulous while doing so

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